decaffeinated insanity

I have recently found myself in a series of situations that I was neither prepared for or ever expected in any way. The factor that weighs heaviest on my mind and heart is the one concerning Richie's health. We finally made the trip to San Antonio to meet with the pediatric gastroenterologist. It's been a few days since I meeting with the doctor. I can't make sense of the appointment enough to say anything much about it. Stemming from ignorance, it wasn't until after the appointment that I realized the severity of it all. I toss and turn in bed, drowning beneath the crashing waves of all the things I won't admit to in the daylight. Even when I talk to my family and best friend, I can't confront the reality that comes into focus with each passing day. I find myself forcing the muscles of my heart, as though if I contort myself enough the minutes will move faster. Knowing the answer means less to me than what the answer actually is, but both cause me a fair deal of stress.

just old light

Richie and I have been back in Texas for nearly a week. It was a nightmare getting home, but I'm over it. Not over it enough to share the experience. It's a new week with it's own set of problems.

Richie had his appointment with his pediatrician this morning. First thing, bright and early. 20 minutes after our scheduled time, he was taken in and stripped to be weighed and measured. Verdict? My kids got a big (BIG) head. Not freakishly big, but beyond the average silly looking toddler-sized head. Not a problem. No growth otherwise. I'm not surprised, just disappointed. Not in Richie, or myself, but if you are a mom you know the disappointment I'm talking about. In early morning hours, like now, I can sit here with my lap top and blame myself for lacking the ability to alter Richie's piece of universe to make him a normal, healthy toddler. Thankfully they didn't give me too much to dwell on numbers before the nurse shoved me into another room to wait for the pediatrician to show up.

This part of my day is called waiting.

I thought Richie was going to bounce off a wall and through the window of the tiny room we were confined to. Just as I braced myself for lift-off, in walked Dr. Never-on-time. He entered the room with Richie's chart in hand and open, reading it. Before he even sat down he started asking me questions about Richie's delivery and premature birth. When he is done asking his questions, we discuss Richie's size. He's been teasing us, like he might stay in the fifth percentile, but now he's back in the third. I have always thought that there is a connection between his GI problems, yet undiagnosed, and his compact packaging. I brought up this concern to the pediatrician and got Richie a referral to a pediatric gastroenterologist. I won't be satisfied until there is an answer, and treatment, if necessary. I'm hopeful but guarded.

The day got off to a strange and uncomfortable beginning since Richie's appointment was so early. By the time I finished Rocky Balboa tonight, I was ready to get in bed. I always check in on Richie. Consequently, after dragging my feet up the stairs, I opened the baby gate and walked in to sneak a peek of my sleeping angel. I stepped lightly over some closet organizing accessories that I had left on the floor, to get to Richie's crib. I can't see him, so I assume he cuddled up in a different corner of the crib than usual. Nope.

The baby is not in the crib.

Richie is sprawled on the floor on his back. Just sleeping soundly, on the floor. This is strange considering that I laid him to sleep in his crib. Somehow my little climber got out. The list for tomorrow starts already with (1) checking Richie for bumps, bruises and the kind, and (2) calling Babies R Us to order the Wendy Bellissimo toddler bed guard rail for Richie's toddler bed. It will take 3 to 4 months for the special order item to actually arrive, so until then I will be duct taping my child to his crib mattress. It's a good thing I always close the baby gate at Richie's bedroom doorway since his room is at the top of the stairs. Oh my gosh, I can't even think of if I hadn't. Thankfully he was somewhat safe...ish. I had the baby monitor on and didn't hear a peep out of him, nor a thud. Therefore, I conclude that he didn't actually hit the floor but scaled the walls to bring himself soundly to the floor. Then, being worn out, sprawled out on his back and took to dreaming. I may also be making a journey to the emergency room tomorrow morning if I notice any bruising, swelling, or other injuries. But, I'm sure he's fine. Like I said, my little monkey must have scaled the walls to a soft landing on the floor. I'm going to lay in bed and repeat that for a while.

moving on

I just got home from Jennie's new house. It is so nice. They've got four bedrooms (all on the second floor) and three bathrooms. They've also got a massive garage, a great kitchen, living room, and patio! It's perfect for their growing family. Jennie's little sister Stephanie is moving in with them soon. Should be interesting. I wish them all the best in their newest endeavor.

I had stopped by Jennie's after a visit with my Aunt Jen, Aunt Julie, Uncle Chuck, and cousins Maddie and Landon. We went to this horrid little Chinese buffet. I brought food for Richie, which he threw up quite hastily and continuously. I ate nothing. Not until I ordered pizza at Jennie's house (which I ate a disgusting amount of, for shame!). It was nice, however, to see those members of my family. My cousin Landon is four months older than Richie and he is growing into such a cute little man! Maddie is four years old now and loves playing dolls with Ryann. Ryann is finally getting to the age where she likes playing with children in Richie's age group and Maddie's.

Richie is at such an odd age right now. Sometimes he wants to play, sometimes he wants to be left alone. Tonight he did everything he could while at Jennie's house to destroy himself, as well as the house. He was going face forward off the couch like he thinks he's bigger than he is. He dumped a full mug of Sprite down the front of himself and onto the table and floor, trying to get a drink. He threw up on Jennie's floor. He nearly broke his nose by smashing his face on the floor after wrapping himself in a blanket and doing a royal stroll around the house. Up until that point I had been happy for Jennie's hard wood floors to protect the non-existent carpet from my messy child. Then he slammed his face on it. The way he hit putt quite the red crease in his noise. I coddled him, of course, and he got over it. I didn't, but I will.

Tomorrow we are having a barbecue at my grandma's house and I can't wait to see what injuries he can inflict on himself in a new setting with new weapons.

Oh god. Please, no. I take it back.

Did I just curse myself? We'll find out tomorrow.

we're still on the payroll

Last night I decided to hop online to send my mom some pictures before bed and discovered I had a message from Chrissy! I had told her of my brief return to the sunshine state and she remembered. So, she says we should get together. Seeing as how I have missed her and her little one (August), I harassed her into braving public transit to come hang out with me. And she accepted! She called this morning and will be here in about an hour! I am so excited to see her (and August!). Last time I saw her little August was in August, when she was born. She was so tiny and made meager little noises that were some excuse for crying (she was two weeks old, Richie was 8 months I knew real crying). She's seven months old now and has changed so much. For that fact, so has Richie. I wish I had more time to spend with her. Last time they stayed for a couple hours and the poor lot of them were so exhausted. I don't want to just stand in the kitchen staring at the microwave clock for an hour, as I am sure that would only cause time to slow to halt, and Richie is taking a nap before they come so I decided to blog about my already-interesting morning.

Yesterday I was spoiled by Richie sleeping in. This morning I was jarred awake at a quarter to seven by one persistent little screecher. Sometimes I wonder if he considers the lack of playmate I am at such early hours. Mostly though, I doubt he cares. The whole house was already stirring with my dad running late for work, Ryann eating breakfast before school and Rocky looking after Sugar while making sure Ryann kept to her schedule. I sat on the couch, put Richie down, and let the world spin it's craziness around me. I even contemplated hiding in the bathroom. It's quiet there and the door locks.

Everyone left and I got Richie and I dressed. I realized Chrissy and I hadn't outlined a real plan except to say that today was okay. I decided that 8:00 a.m. was too early to call her and whimper about her coming over now. Rocky returned from dropping Ryann off at school. Richie played in the kitchen and Rocky was getting ready to take Sugar for a walk. Rocky and I got to commiserating about "rap music," pop culture icons, and "little Richmond". While we agreed on the negative juvenile influences in California, Richie ever so sneakily began shoving his face with handfuls of puppy food. Venison and rice dog food didn't sit well with his refined palatte and he began gagging and spitting. We laughed as I scoop food pellets from his gritty mouth. I decided he could have some cookies to chase down the nasty taste of dog good. With mommy laughing at him, he hesistantly shoved cookie after cookie in his mouth and drank lots of water. Much diarrhea followed.

Nearly 10:00 and already Richie has made my day, well, rich!

blue-da-ba-dee

I am nearly four days deep into my California trip. Yesterday was the best of it, so far.

Jennie brought Alaina out to Antioch yesterday to pick me up. I am closer to Jennie than anyone else and I have missed her! On the phone with her while she was making the long drive to see me I could hardly stay in my skin. The last I saw her was in August when she married her high school sweetie-turned-hubby. Our babies are only a month different in age. We were actually due the same week, but Richie came early and Alaina came late. Wouldn't it be too much if the next babies were that close? It could happen...

Anyway, Jennie finally pulled up to the house. I ran to the car, after waving wildly. (I didn't want her to forget where I was...) I grabbed Alaina out of the car, probably scaring the poor child who obviously had no recognition of who I was. I squeezed Jennie and dragged my huddle to the house. Richie was sitting inside, confused. I held onto Alaina as she watched Richie refuse to be held by Jennie, freak out and run around the kitchen. Richie and Alaina didn't play much together; Alaina was not impressed by Richie boy-babyness.

We headed to lunch at Applebees then on to Babies R Us where I influenced (in a very bad way) Jennie; she left with the Wendy Bellissimo bedding I was supposed to dissuade her from. I fully believe Jennie would have got the slightly less expensive one if they had it in stock...anywhere. Or if I hadn't been there. Alas! The fates were against her and she left with gorgeous, wonderful super-bedding. The colors are so rich! Once Jennie gets Alaina's new room in their new house painted, it's going to be a baby utopia! It's a good thing I am leaving to return to Texas because I would definitely try to talk her into the Wendy Bellissimo furniture!

After my evil doings, we went on to Jennie's place as she sadly warned me of the empty walls and stacked boxes. Jennie got ready and all of a sudden it was four in the afternoon! Jennie called The Picture People about getting the babies pictures done and we ran to the mall. Well, we drove...but doesn't "run" sound so much more dramatic?

Once at the mall we spent who knows how long in Gymboree. Determined to spend as much money as humanly possible, and find coordinating boy-girl outfits in the process, we dove head first into baby couture. It was a blast! We opted for rainbow colored summer outfits for the babies; Alaina in a cute off-the-shoulder summer dress and Richie in a polo shirt and brown shorts. After our splurge at Gymboree, we went to the photo place where they were ready for us. Looking back, I wonder why we thought it was a good idea to put two kids who didn't remember, or like, one another in a small space to cheese for the camera. Somehow, it just didn't work out. Of hundreds of clicks, we got two good pictures. Alaina was determined to be away from Richie while he was smiling big (as always) for the camera and running off. Most of the pictures were funny, but in a sarcastic-not-very-cute sort of way. Still, we did like two of the poses and ordered prints.

After Jennie driving out first thing in the morning all of a sudden it was past 8:00 p.m. Where did the time go? We still needed to eat dinner and drive home. So, we hit Mimi's Cafe and then straight home for me and poor Jennie still had to drive all the way back to San Ramon!

Jennie, I found another positive for you; no more hours of driving just to hang out for the day! Not that we still won't, but at least we won't have to!

A special note to end on:
My son ate his first crayon at Applebees. Yes, baby Richie took a bite out of a blue wax crayon. It only took him a few hours to leave me a little blue present in his diaper. Bring on the toddler years!

When I remember where I left it, I'll let you know if my glass if half empty or full

I am in the process of making my photos private on Flickr.com. I have left them public for a long time. However, a pedophile added some of my son's pictures to his favorites (a bookmarking function on the website), along with pictures of naked little boys from other users. Flickr offers "block" as a solution. Unfortunately, pedophiles (as well as other degenerates) can still view photos of my son even after I have "blocked" their profiles. In this depraved world, I have to fight for my son's innocence at every turn. I may have anticipated these battles, but my son does not deserve to be more fearful than hopeful.

How could anyone look at a child and think evil thoughts?





It has been almost two weeks since I last heard from Nathan. When I took the above photo, I recognized it's cuteness and absolutel adorability and knew I had to share it with the world! I sent it to my usual list of people. Except Nathan. Before assuming I am cold hearted, know that Nathan does not want to see pictures of Richie and accuses me of parading him as a bribe if I do send pictures. I fought myself on it until I knew I had to just let it go; Nathan has made his point clearly and effectively. I have managed to restrain myself and still have not responded to his most recent outburst of abrasive rhetoric. I try not to even think about him which proves difficult when haunted by child support papers and Marie (my ex-mother-in-law-to-be). I knew I was going to hear from her sooner or later and with each passing day later became sooner. She wants Richie and I to visit her for Christmas. Nathan is going to be there (being New Jersey) for Christmas. Anyone else see a problem? Marie says that Nathan and I could be around each other as friends. I don't think she considered that Nathan does not have any desire to see his son. It may prove quite inconvenient for Nathan to come face to face (literally) with reality. As much as I would love to see Nathan's reaction to real responsibility, I won't do it at the expense of my son.

I am still battling myself about whether or not to file for child support. I have looked over the papers I requested. I have read them so many times. I am no closer to any sort of answer. I keep returning to the opinion that if Nathan does not want to be a father to Richie, a bank account is a poor substitute. If I planned on being a white trash cashier at the gas station, I would be going after welfare, child support, and probably borrowing obscene amounts of money (that I could never repay) from family members. My BSN will enable me to attain a good job immediately. I will be making more than twice the money Nathan is making as part of the USMC. I can not find a good enough justification to give Nathan more reason to be so hostile.



Richie laying next to baby pants (well, toddler pants) size 18-24 mos.



I spent all of last week trying to get my fevered, vomiting mini-tot seen by his pediatrician. If his gastrointestinal issues weren't reason enough to have Richie an appointment, he also injured his leg. Thankfully the ER at VVRMC is competent enough to x-ray a toddler's leg. That's all the PA accomplished before scooting us along. Within ten minutes, Doc determined that Richie's leg was sprained and showed me what I am going to call "BPT" (baby physical therapy). Silly, but true. Due to Richie's age, his leg will be well and fine, even sprained, very soon. Richie has a list of persistent health problems that need attention, but have been neglected by his former pediatrician. His new pediatrician is a good doctor, although seriously lacking in "bedside manner". He promptly went down the list and diagnosed, discussing necessary treatment, of all Richie's "issues" including his miniature-ness. He is going to monitor Richie's growth every couple of weeks. Richie needs a good doctor, not a friend. I love his new pediatrician!

The reason that Richie's leg needed x-rayed is quite a special little story. To make a long story into a very short one; Richie got his leg caught (while bent at the knee) in between the slats at the headboard, then fell backwards so he was hanging by his swollen knee. For the price and supposed quality of Jardine Lifetime cribs, one would think that this would not happen. Au contraire! Multiple mommy's have reported this problem to Jardine Enterprises, yet there is no recall. The reviews and reports that describe the problem with these cribs are hidden. Even if a mom does her research (which should happen), the necessary information does not present itself. Parenting is enough of a challenge as it is without having to worry about crib danger cover-ups.

On Sunday, we are borrowing a large vehicle from a family member and making the four hour drive to San Antonio where Babies "R" Us is located. The store has been much more helpful than the manufacturer. A manager at the store is giving us credit for the crib we already purchased, they are taking it off our hands, and we are getting the Wendy Bellissimo crib in honey! I will be happy when my son no longer has to sleep in his pack'n'play because his crib isn't safe. I have been trying to find reviews of Wendy Bellissimo furniture, but no luck. Nothing good, nothing bad. Nothing. I spoke to a sales associate in the crib department at Babies "R" Us and she said that I picked a really good crib. I have exhausted all my resources. It can't be worse than the one we have. Hopefully Jardine Enterprises improves upon their products.


Richie preserving the midnight oil in his pack'n'play.